Why

She stepped numbly through the airlock and slumped against the side of the ship. Her ship, The Normandy. She dropped to the floor, pulling off her helmet her short red-brown hair slipped into her face. Her head dropped between her knees, and the tears started flowing.

"Commander, I...I'm sorry. It should have been me not him" Gunnery chief Williams quickly blurted out as she walked pass the commander. Jane didn't even look up as Ash walked by. She just kept crying.

"Why Kaidan, Why?" she couldn't help herself she kept replaying the scene over and over.
.......
"Commander?"

"Yes, Kaidan?" Jane looked back over her shoulder at her Lieutenent. She felt her blood rush immediately to her cheeks as she looked into his deep, brown eyes. She was his commanding officer and fraternization was against protocol, but whenever he looked at her like that she could almost pretend they were just two people. At least until the reality of Saren came crushing back down.

"I... um...I just wanted to talk to you privately when you had a spare moment." Kaidan replied. Helooked at her then quickly ducked his head.

"Of course Kaidan, I always like to know what's on my crews mind." She smiled at him and a flush rose in his cheeks.

"Ok great... when you have time." Kaidan quickly turned and walked back the way he came.

"Commander" Joker's voice rang out over the intercom. "Three hours until we reach Virmire"

"Thank you Joker, your the best"

"I try ma'am" and with that he clicked off the intercom. Jane quickly walked down to the crew deck to speak with Alenko. Even the thought of just talking with him made her cheeks go a bit red.

"Kaidan, you said you needed to talk?" She said turning the corner into his work space.

"Oh right ma'am, well it's just, I don't know what we will be facing on Virmire and well I need to tell you something." He stood directly in front of her and looked her dead in the eyes. " Shepard... I..." He  leaned forward and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her, soft and sweet at first but rapidly becoming more passionate. All too quickly he stepped back and looked her in the eyes.

"Shepard... Iknow it's wrong because you're a commander and my superior officer but... I love you, and I want you to know that while I still have the chance to tell you."

"Kaidan...I..."with a sigh she continued flushed and stammering a bit after his revelation. "I love you too, but you're being fatalistic. This mission is going to go fine, just like all the others"

.....

Shepard had managed to pull her self up out of the way of the airlock and now walked in the direction of her cabin. She didn't look up at anyone on her way there, even though multiple people had asked what her new orders were, she couldn't answer them. She hung her head and continued to walk on. He rtears were still falling and she couldn't stop them.

.....

They reached the salarian base on Virmire. It had been a rough start to they day, but what were a couple Geth compared to her team and the Mako. The salarian captain Kirrahe walked over to were she was standing with Alenko, deep in conversation about defensive planning and and positions.

"Commander, may I have a word?" Kirrahe asked.

"Of course Captain, How may I help you?"

"I have a plan to infiltrate the base... I'm splitting up my men into three teams, yours will be a shadow team, while you sneak around back we will distract out front." He paused and seemed regretting what he was about to say next. "But I'm going to need one of your team to help me." He looked away.

"Commander let me go." Kaidan said from the background.

"No way LT, they need you to set the bomb. Commander let me go." Ashley said passionately.

"Kaidan we need you to set the nuke, Williams you will go with Captain Kirrahe."

....

Jane fell, fully armored onto her small bed and curled into a ball. Now that she was alone she didn't even try to control herself. She started crying with every fiber of her being. She knew she should have kept her distance from him. Jane Shepard, defender of the galaxy, Hero of the Alliance, first Human Spectre, was having her heart ripped to shreds everytime she thought of his deep, brown eyes, eyes she would never see again.

.....

They had pushed there way through the back entrance into Saren's compound on Virmire. It hasd been hard but Commander Shepard knew that Kaidan and Garrus had her back. They had disabled anything that could give the distraction teams more of an edge. Now, they had finally made it to the drop point for the nuke.

"Joker we are in position, bring in the bomb."

"Roger, Commander. We are approaching the drop point now." Jane looked up and could see the elite warship coming up on the horizon.

When it landed the crew immediately started working on getting the nuke setup. It got loaded on and the Normandy peeled away into the sky waiting for the Commander's signal for them to pick the team back up.

A distress call came from Ash.

"Commander we need back up! The Geth have us pinned down in a tower! Repeat we need back up! SHI..."

"Ash we are on our way!"she looked to where Kaidan was setting up the nuke.

"Commander it will take some time to set up the nuke anyway" She looked at him gratefully and walked up beside him. He stood up and she leaned in and kissed him, then turned and ran in the direction of the tower.

They ran, Garrus, Wrex and her. They were almost to the tower when another distress call came in.

"Commander" It was Kaidan. "The geth are coming in...We aren't going to last much longer" The line was staticy for a moment. "I'm detonating the nuke!"

"Alenko, Just hold on! We will be able to get both you and Ash! Just hold on! Please..." Her voice started to quiver towards the end.

"Whatever you say Commander...I love you" the line went blank.

Shepard started sprinting in the direction of the tower. They were all going to make it. She had already lost too many people nobody was going to die today. She rounded the corner striaght into a fire fight.

The Geth were making a huge push towards the small tower where Ash and her team were putting up a good fight.

She launched into battle mode and started raining hell on the synthetic bastards. She pushed forward trying to get to cover, they were out in the open like sitting ducks. The Geth turned their attention away from the small party of Salarians, towards commander Shepard. She sprinted, dodging, ducking, and weaving in between the amassed synthetic bodies. She leaped a falling geth and used her rifle to smash them wherever she saw a light. She saw a piece of broken wall and vaulted over the top.

They had cleared a wide path through the Geth and now they only had to pick off a few stragglers.

They quickly finished off the remainder of the Geth. Ashley walked up to her.

"I really appreiciate the save commander...but what about Lieutenent Alenko?" Ash looked at her in fear.

"We are going back for him right now, so lets double time this people!" Jane shouted and people weren't really listening. They were staring at a spot just over her shoulder.

"What are you guys star..." she couldn't finish the sentence. It was the Normandy coming to pick them up.

"Joker what are you thinking! I never radioed you!"

"I know Commander, but Alenko did. He said that you were ready for pick up, and that you were a little busy so you asked him to do it." The normandy landed and the remainder of the team quickly got on board.

"I never said anything." She whispered mostly to herself. She could feel strong hands grabbing her arms and pushing her on board. She was to numb to notice much else. She could feel herself being directed onto the Normandy, but all she could think was why Kaidan, why. She heard something faintly come through on her com.

"I Love You, Jane"

The Normandy lifted into the sky...just before the explosion.